Wednesday, September 16, 2009

All Apologies

So I'd like to kick off my Back to School Blog with a sincere apology to my 3 readers for neglecting them over the summer because, well, I just had better things to do. But what with the economy, the health care debate, and Paula Abdul getting fired from Idol, I cannot keep this observation to myself any longer. Has anyone noticed coverage of actual news has been replaced with rounds of celebrities apologizing for heinous career-stunting acts while simultaneously promoting their next project?

Each morning as the IV drips coffee directly into my bloodstream, I'm captive audience to Dianne Sawyer, flipping to Matt Lauer, and back again while saying to myself a profound little phrase I picked up from my teenage relatives' Facebook walls:


Let's start with the big kahuna, the white whale of national controversy. Health care? Dependence on foreign oil? Nuclear disarmament? Well, its up there. Kayne West dissin' Taylor Swift at the Video Music Awards! Oh Hell to the No He Ditn't!! He snatched the spotlight from America's Sweetheart and tried to redirect the award to an artist of his choosing.

Note to readers: Just because Tony and I host our own Retro Oscars every year, also known as "Who Really Shoulda Won,"or subtitled "That Performance Totally Sucked," in no way, shape or form do I sympathize with West.

West's assault on all that is good in holy in the world of music videos award shows somehow got the attention of the esteemed leader of the free world, Barack Obama, who invoked one of my favorite adjectives when someone asked him "why, oh great and powerful leader, would Kayne do that to sweet little Taylor?" Obama replied with these profound words: "because he's a Jackass."

At this point, Joe Wilson, (R) from Outta Left Field, screamed "Liar" into a microphone that he had surgically attached to his fist 'cause no one would ever pay attention to him if he was just talking like normal people.

This simple pronouncement uttered under his breath marked the first time that Americans across party lines agreed on anything since we all agreed that yes, Kenny Roger's eye lift was a national disaster and should be covered up. Not since Reagan ordered Gorbachev to "Take Down this Wall," has this country been able to stand together regardless of political beliefs and look to our leader and say "Mos' def!"

Note to readers: No one uses the word "Jackass" more than yours truly, but when kids are in the room, or if you're speaking into a hot microphone on national TV, I recommend the tamed down hybrid "Jackhole." Either way, the meaning is clear. Call them like you see them.

At some point after donning the suit of the Jackass, celebrities realize they've jeopardized the money maker and make a desperate plea through the media for forgiveness. Here's where I come in. I'd like to be the Paula Abdul judge of Jackass Apology Sincerity. Here are a few situations that caught my attention:

Kayne West on Leno

Grade: "F"

We were supposed to feel sorry for West when a day after his debacle, and to the delight of Hugh Grant, West appeared on Jay Leno's new talk show. Leno almost brought him to tears by asking West what his dead mother would have said about his behavior. Cue the audience to forgive and forget, but most importantly, download his new CD on Itunes.

My favorite part of this interview is this line: "I'd like to be able to apologize to Taylor in person." Yeah, like that restraining order is going to be lifted any time soon. Kayne is sorry he underestimated the number of decent people who watch the VMA's. He regrets the number of people who are able to catch the highlights of the VMA's on youtube. I'm sure today he's wrapping his giant cranium around the concept that THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES TOOK A BREAK FROM THE HEALTHCARE DEBATE TO SLAP KAYNE UPSIDE THE HEAD!! But I suspect Kayne regrets the fall out more than the offending act. Points off for not learning from past award shows where his earned the title my nephew succinctly bestowed upon him on his Facebook wall: "a giant tool."

Serena Wiliams on GMA

Grade: "D+"

Williams spent the weekend threatening a line judge to the caught on video to the tune of "I'm going to shove this F---ing ball down your F---ing throat!" Lots of tears to Dianne Sawyer for all the bad things that have happened to her that caused her to act up in such a fashion. Sympathy for the loss of her murdered sister, but I'm not sure the line judge was convicted, or even tried for that crime. But here's where she loses points: "Read all about my pain in this brand new book I wrote about my favorite topic, ME. Available in stores today."

Side note about Williams and her rockin' arms: My son caught a moment of this interview on GMA and nodded sympathetically at me asking "Is that the girl runner that everyone thinks is a boy?" No joke. When Williams threatens you, its scary.

Jon and Kate Gosselin. Jon to Chris Cuomo of GMA, Kate Gosselin to anyone who makes actual eye contact with her.


Jon, "D" for "Dumba**"

Kate, "D" for "Disturbed. Really Really Disturbed!"

Jon and Kate, or as I call them Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumber, have worn out their welcome with fans faster than a flatulent St. Bernard.

Jon whines to Chris over the way he has been portrayed by the media. Remember this is the same media that Jon invited into his home in exchange for cash and flashy prizes like hair plugs and snowboards. Then, Jon proceeds to portray himself as a spineless immature spoiled child. He tells Cuomo and the world that he loves his new girlfriend "way better than he ever loved Kate," and a nanny nanny boo boo to you too! The girlfriend is cool--she lets him go on a yacht without a lifejacket, drink and drive, smoke like a chimney. She "gets" him in a way Kate never could. Adding the cherry to the Trauma Sundae, our hero tops the interview by telling the world, the place where his 8 children currently reside, that he "despises Kate." Then he wraps up by claiming everything he does is for the kids.

Kate, not to be outdone, has provoked this lovefest from Jon by continually releasing statements to the effect that she won't talk about the father of her children publicly other than to say he has been abducted by space aliens and that's why he's such a Jackhole. She appeared on the morning news shows the day after announcing her separation begging for privacy while simultaneously waving her new book in the camera. Dabbing at tears while flipping Jon the bird, Kate is one Media-Savvy Mama. The Paris Hilton of Parenting, we know she's famous for no good reason. We know she's not worthy of our time and $3.59 that we plunked down for People magazine, but gosh darn it, its why we tune into Dancing with the Stars to see Pricilla Presley's face: we know its wrong, but we can't look away.

Kate and Jon continue to offend the 12 people left watching their show by taking their children on extravagant vacations that they would have never been able to afford if they hadn't exploited those same children their entire lives. They whine about the relentless paparazzi all while making sure they are photographed cheating and smoking, which as any parent knows, really does make you look cool. Then, when it became clear to the Gosselins that they were losing their audiences, the take the half hour of prime time to promote other crappy TLC shows. Cake Boss? Emeril? In the words of SNL's recently dumped Michaela Watkins, "B***h Pleeze!!"

Jon and Kate have little or no remorse for the pain they have just begun to inflict on their children although Kate reluctantly and tearfully proclaims she is not "perfect," as previously reported by, well, pretty much just Kate telling everyone how perfect she was.

Side not to fans of Watkins, formerly of SNL: Lorne Michaels offered no apology for cutting her from the show. He did offer the opinion that she "needs her own show." I know of a half hour of prime time on TLC that could use a jolt of talent.

Ryan O'Neal to Barbara Walters and Vanity Fair in reaction to getting caught hitting on his daughter, Tatum, at Farrah Fawcett's funeral:

Grade: F as in WTF???????? or "C" as in Come Again? or even "G" as in Gargantuan A**hole

So Ryan propositions Tatum at the funeral of Farrah Fawcett. Ryan defends his actions with something along these lines: "Hey, with the exception of Farrah herself, I groped everyone at that funeral including the pastor and my own mother---no one was excluded. A smokin' blond 30 years my junior is off limits in what universe?? I am particularly charming after downing a bottle of Jameson and she should be flattered I noticed her!! Groping Schmoping?? I shot her brother at Thanksgiving, knocked out his teeth on the Fourth of July and you don't hear him whining about it to the press! I've hit on Tatum since she was a child. Its our thing ok? Get over it already!"

In Ryan's defense, Tatum is very good looking.

No where in Ryan's media rantings does he come close to sincerely regretting the damage, public and private, that he's inflicted on his family, but he did release this statement from the O'Neal family Christmas letter:

"I don't think I was supposed to be a father. Just look at my work--they're either in jail or they should be...."

With people like Ryan O'Neal willing to talk to anyone, I can't say I miss coverage of relevant news. Even Obama has to take a break from politics to comment on celebrity antics.

So there it is, Jenny. My blog is back. Fewer words, more pictures. Less filling at only 90 calories and 2 grams of fat. Help me round it out by weighing in with your most treasured famous person screw ups. Yeah, just like old times, sign in first, then post your rant.