I'm so Green I'm Yellow

Not All Green is Good Green

Most of you, like me, have made some adjustments to your spoiled, self-indulgent lifestyles as you realize our economy is increasingly dependent on foreign bikes. Some of my articles may be on the frivolous side and a gi-normous waste of your free time, but others, like this one, will create a forum for educating/co-miserating on how foreign oil has caused us to cut back on things like toilet papering and flattering lighting and such.

Today, I'm going to focus on one sacrifice I almost made.

Last week while comparison vodka shopping, I found myself at the Whitefish Bay Sendiks. Now, although this article is a bit of a palette cleanser on the drama of my class reunion, I was purchasing vodka in preparation for the big weekend with these delinquents. I haven't bought vodka for myself since at least 2 kids ago and some things have changed in the vodka industry that has historically been dependent on foreign potato growth.

For those of you who have not had the opportunity to visit the Whitefish Bay Sendiks, let me fill you in on what you may have missed. The Whitefish Bay Sendiks is the epitome of high falutin' and en vogue consumable products that are not only ridiculously overpriced, but observant of our greenability and these products usually taste pretty damn good.

That being said, drawbacks to the Whitefish Bay Sendiks include, but are not limited to, the fact that their parking lot is only slightly more dangerous than Kuwait with 1/3 of drivers being tiny, elfin-like elderly people in large Cadillacs abruptly pulling in and out of spaces with no warning and no feet near a braking mechanism. A second 1/3 of drivers being tiny, elfin like au pairs to wealthy families who didn't request a "driver" 'cause they live in a "walkable community" and thus received a nanny who got her license in Peru where everyone completes a mandatory 13 hours of steering a mountain goat before being rewarded a driver's license. Then, as the epitome of the American dream, she comes to this country and finds herself behind the wheel of a Hummer in the WF Bay parking lot. The remaining 1/3 of drivers are moms in minivans who are undercaffeinated. Also, the parking lot has been graded much like a mini golf green with lots of hilly landscape and if you let go of your cart to say, put your baby in your car, your groceries go careening into traffic faster than you can say "crunchy granola."

Additional drawbacks to the Whitefish Bay Sendiks include wide shopping carts and cramped check out lanes. At first, I would struggle to wiggle on through feeling fat and bloated when I realized, "it's not my hips its the damn cart that doesn't fit." Also, the Whitefish Bay Sendiks, while located in the heart of greenation, offers a plastic bag that is thicker and nicer than most people's luggage. I feel guilty about choosing the plastic because it is "too nice for dog poop," and usually ends up stowed away in my basement, waiting until I have a spare moment to hot glue gun a zipper closure on them, so that our next overseas holiday will be complete with a set of coordinated luggage. I know, I should keep them in the car and reuse the bags for repeat shopping at the Mecca that is the Bay Sendiks, but anything stored in my car quickly becomes contaminated with dog hair and Goldfish crumbs and the idea of putting perfectly clean groceries in them is just groady so I don't.

So stepping back to the liquor department at the WFB Sendik's, I'm perusing the vodka section knowing neither what brand is en vogue or when vodka bottles became so pretty when I notice a brand, sold in a giant cardboard box that boasts "The World's First Eco-Friendly Gift Set." And I couldn't help but be intrigued: What qualities make vodka eco-friendly and damn, my Christmas shopping stops here?

What made this 360 brand a better choice for the Greenable was apparently the giant cardboard box that it was packaged in and the fact that it contained a fluorescent type light bulb and a giant book of tips on making sure your grass remains greener than your neighbor's. All in one handy "gift set" that will be flying off the shelves like this year's answer to Tickle me Elmo and PlayStation 3 of yesteryears.

Now, I don't know about your people, but mine are of Mediterranean descent and have been known to enjoy their vodka in copious amounts, under incandescent lighting. My vodka roots go back to my childhood when my Uncle George schooled me on the proper proportions of vodka to water (two fingers tall of vodka to one of water, but wait, you're a child, better use four of your fingers of vodka to one water) Now, it must be noted here that if you are a group of "adults" at a poker game in the mid to late 60's and you delegate the cocktail mixing to your children, don't be surprised when you see that the toilet bowl is empty because your bartender is too short to reach the faucet--yeah, leave the vodka in her reach, but hide the water. Kudos to cousin Holly: you've got your own hall of fame in the annals of family lore. Also, it might be helpful to tip the bartender or at least spring for a step stool. But now it is 2008 and as we know better, we do better so back to eco-friendly rail drinks.

All the vodka exposure of my youth and almost none of it occurred under a fluorescent bulb. As I said, we are a Mediterranean folk with lovely olive skin. Put us under a fluorescent bulb with an open bottle of vodka and you might as well slap some yellow turtlenecks on us and start passing around the malaria vaccine.

What has this world come to when you can't even drink pretty bottle vodka under good lighting without a twinge of guilt?

I must say I debated with myself.

Note to self: Start wearing cell phone ear thingy in public so people stop looking at you funky during your self debates. On that note, the next time you think someone next to you in a public toilet is saying hello, she is probably talking on the phone. On the potty. How low falutin'.

I was frozen to that particular aisle for a long time pondering if my friends would judge me for the less environmentally but prettier vodka purchase. Decided no, the bulk of these folks live in Brookfield where they haven't heard of global warming and the effects on vodka yet. So I purchased a prettier, but smaller bottle of regular kind of vodka and hoped that people might drink it by candlelight to spare all of the world a bit of green where we don't need it.