In these tough economic times, and I know they are tough 'cause my crack financial advisor and neighbor, Karen, keeps me posted on the nation's financial house of cards anchored in quicksand, we must look around for the VanGogh under the velvet Elvis.
But before I delve into treasure hunting with Juj, let's get back to Karen. Karen is a financial whiz who could stuff and fluff Oprah's Suze Ormon in her dryer. And believe it or not, Karen doesn't have her own show on MSNBC. Think of her as the hybrid of Warren Buffet and Chicken Little: The markets are crashing, the markets are crashing.
Recently she advised me to rathole a few thousand dollars in my house. Although ratholing sounds like fun, I'm reluctant to learn a new mom-craft right now 'cause I have no money. If I had a few thousand dollars, I think I would probably spend it at the Dollar Store and come home with, well, thousands of things I don't need. This is why I look to Karen for advice on financial and other matters.
Hybrid of Warren Buffett and Chicken Little with Highnotes of Bob Villa:
Subheading: Other Things Karen Knows
Karen spent a few years as a stay at home mom, like me, but unlike me, she can't pine away an afternoon reading Vanity Fair while the kiddies study the Wonderpets. I'd be outside on the porch with my Mojito reading People Magazine and before I finish the page where you have to find 6 things different about the almost same picture,(always check the jewelry and belts) Karen has mudjacked her basement. And I don't even know what that means, but its not when someone steals all your mud at gunpoint--I already asked. And before I know if Dominic Dunne thinks Phil Spector is guilty,(he does), Karen has stripped and refinished all the wood trim in her home. Before I see if Paula Abdul can sit Straight Up without fidgeting on American Idol (she can't) Karen has replaced all of her windows. By the time I get to the reveal on Trading Spaces,(they hated it), Karen has power washed her house and half of mine. So compared to Karen, I'm a sloth, but in addition to being industrious she's kind of quirky too.
Karen can do a spot on Grandma Walton impersonation from the first episode of The Waltons: The Homecoming. In fact, she channels Grandma Walton frequently at book club. Yes, we're in a book club together, but while Karen is a reader, she is too busy rat holing gold bricks to get into any fiction, so she provides the entertainment portion of the evening in character of Grandma Walton.
Yes, Karen is a gold mine of talent and skills and entertaining to boot. Smack down that! Suze Ormon. Karen can also make the rest of us feel like the Three Little Pigs, playing all the day away while Rome burns. She will make you feel like the time allotted for your annual Pap exam was frivolous and ill spent.
One Thing Karen was Way Wrong About:
She let go of my 5 month old daughter because she thought she could walk. Yeah, Karen dropped my baby, but only 'cause she thought she was freakishly advanced so I let it go.
Now, to Ebay, a veritable Bomb Shelter of Financial Security:
One of the financial advantages to Eblogging is that it keeps me off of Ebay. In fact, that is pretty much the only financial advantage of Eblogging. Sometimes, I miss Ebay, the warm welcome "Hello Shopwood70, how's it going?" The pleasant and loving reminders that my watched items are ending soon, the thoughtful suggestions of what I might be interested in. Yes, Ebay fills a void left by my childhood imaginary friend, Jumpy, who disappeared shortly after I packed up for college. Ebay is always awake and up for shopping and rummaging happy for me when I've won an auction. Ebay is sad for me when I've been outbid. And Ebay wants to know what I think about each and every transaction I've ever made on his site. I've been known to cancel social opportunities and shirk parenting duties because a watched item was about to close. But trying to exercise some spending restraint, I've let go some good ones:
The Ones that Got Away:
- The rabbit's foot blessed by a druid for the low low starting bid of $9.99 and free ship (Where do you even find a druid, much less get him to bless your rabbit's foot for the low low price of $9.99?) In fact, Ebay has an extensive collection of this type of jewelry under heading "Druid Wiccan Pagan Wicca Jewelry."
- The Haunted and Active Kirsten American Girl Doll (worth at least 15% more than a new boxed doll directly from the American Girl Store because she's possessed) Check back under category "Psychic, Paranormal, Toys and Dolls."
- A Phone Psychic reading by "Bob" for $9.99 and free ship (Bob prefers to be verbally abused and humiliated and apparently couldn't find a job at Chuck E. Cheese) This was a one time listing, I'm sorry I didn't make a bid and I have no idea under what category Bob is stored.
I suspect that Karen's financial smarts have caused her to avoid a relationship with Ebay. But even though I know my Ebay affair is co-dependant and wrong, I couldn't help but be intrigued by this little find: Sarah Palin Cabbage Patch Doll, a collector's item. The Whistler's Motherload of an Election Year Bargain.
Yes, there is a genuine Cabbage Patch Biden, Obama, and McCain doll to go with Sarah, but Sarah's pulling in at least three times what the boys are. At the time of this posting, Sarah's raking in $9,600. Obama is a distant second with $4,800. Joe Biden was a paltry $800 and I think that was mostly because his kids pooled their allowance. In fact, I think you could say that in this capacity, Sarah is maxing out her potential in regards to stimulating the economy and we'd be crazy to think she could do any better.
Yes, $9,600 is the top bid. One lucky bidder among 88 will take Sarah home tomorrow when the auction closes. And if that person is into saving his pennies, he will enjoy FREE SHIPPING on this item.
The days when people sunk $9,600 into, say, a bank, real estate, or a stock portfolio, have passed, but its good to know that we have at least 88 creative financial minds out there willing to take a risk and sink the wad in a Political Cabbage Patch doll.
I'm guessing Karen is probably not one of the 88 bidders vying for a spoon session with Sarah P. (There is a warning that her American Flag pin may pose a choking hazard to children under 3 so I guess Sarah's not much of a snuggler anyway) No, Karen is probably onto something more secure with that ratholing idea. Though I may not have a few thousand dollars lying around to rathole, this is one class of 88 that I'm happy to know I'm not a part of. But I'll post the winning bid here soon.
Disclaimer #1: All proceeds from the political Cabbage Patch dolls will go to Toys for Tots so its not like you're throwing your portfolio down the sewer. Your foolishness will make lots of small children happy at Christmas so bid away, bid away.
Disclaimer #2: I fully expect the Ebay Police to come after me for posting this auction on my blog. Let's just say it wouldn't be the first time I've been pulled over and ticketed by the Ebay Police. I've learned my lesson about auctioning Marlboro Indy Car racing memorabilia. And that lesson is the little guy is but a fly dancing on dog poop to Big Tobacco and they'll squash your tiny Ebay auction with a tobacco farmer's sh**-kicking boots faster than you can say "Increase my Max Bid Please." Think the suits at Marlboro won't stomp all over your legal and fair auction if they think anyone is making fifty cents on their name without cutting them a quarter? My paranoid roots tell me that Big Tobacco makes the Russian Mob look like a bunch of vodka swillin' lollipop lickin' Oompa Loompas when it comes to threats and intimidation. So here's my chance to stick it to the nasty folks at Marlboro: Readers, Quit smoking. Yesterday. And don't forget to vote!!
4 comments:
The Sarah Palin Cabbage Patch doll closed at $19,000 with over 100 competing bids. I think it took a dent out of the economic crisis.
So, I'm wondering if there's one more thing that Karen knows? Having endured, errr, attended the indy flick, Rachel Getting Married (more aptly titled Rachel's Friends and Highly Disfunctional Family Load the Dishwasher) with you, does Karen know how to redeem the coupon (I'm having them printed) for reimbursement of the two hours and five minutes that I'll never get back based on your recommendation? At least if I could've made it to the Downer to attend on the night you went I could've kicked, nudged, pinched you and made snide comments as opposed to the heavy sighing of disgust that was wasted on my non-friend co-moviegoers. And I know we covered this in our emails but to say we're square by disparaging the work of art that is The Red Violin, I must repeat myself, it's like comparing Lake Park Bistro to Taco Night at the VFW Post and that's just offensive to Taco Night. I say next time we just skip the movie and head straight to the bar for cocktails, the bar being, of course, any drinking establishment other than the VFW Post. In addition to her handywoman skills, Karen is quite the springboard many a topic.
Now Jenk-m, that's what I'm talking about when I say leave your comments on the site. You may kick and pinch away at book club on Sunday night not because you think I was wrong about Rachel, but because anyone who mentions Frank Lloyd Wright and the Gobbler in the same breath has given me so much material to blog about I must show my appreciation. Karen's feelings on Rachel might differ from mine much as the answer to "should I let go of this infant 'cause she seems smart enough to walk," would differ. You'll have to pinch her or praise her on your own.
Kiss Kiss
j.
PS, I'll take taco night at VFW any day over LP Bistro--too highfalutin' and we've had a coco vin that tasted older and dryer than that lame red violin. My peeps are more VFW types anyway.
In my defense, and to partially beat you to the punch, I was drinking wine both when I took in the errant info about FLW designing the Gobbler and when I, without much thought of the consequences and insuing shame, decided to enlighten bookclub with my less than factual trivia. I have no idea what my brother was drinking (read smoking) when he convinced my sister and I that FLW designed the I-system. I fear there will be little discussion of whatever book we were supposed to read at bookclub, what with all the pinching, kicking and disparaging of taste in cinema and fine dining....'til then!
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